Sunday 16 March 2014

Round 2, Day 69: A giant ball of tension!

Tomorrow it will be ten weeks since I quit drinking. Hooray for that! 

Also, tomorrow I have to submit a close-to-complete draft of my thesis. That means today I am working in a state of bristling tension without drinking wine to calm the spiralling craziness! I have alternated between writing and editing--still some left, but I am getting there, I think--and acting like a giant uncomfortable baby. Seriously. I have bounced out of my chair a hundred times, forty before I could even open the cursed document and just get started. I made a second coffee and had it with some chocolate, because everyone knows that helps calm a person, right? You know, have a little caffeine, plus some more with sugar! Feel better now? No? 

What else? I walked around the block, only to race home and write a paragraph that seemed more urgent when I was outdoors than it did when I was seated and writing again. I drank seven glasses of sparking water. I went to the loo, a necessary distraction after all that coffee and water. I tried knitting--that calmed me when I was on a plane, for god's sake--but I kept dropping stitches, so then I was shouting bitterly at a skein of silk that did not deserve such disrespect. (On the bright side, I did not yell at my silken skein last week when I was locked in an airless chamber with a few hundred strangers at 30,000 feet altitude, and for that I'm grateful.) Earlier, I was so frustrated with trying to do this project that I stood up, shook my fists in the air, and started yelling, "AAAARGH!!!" as loud as I could, but I have neighbours I like, so I quit that action pretty quick. At one point this afternoon, I went into the kitchen and started what might best be called mainlining a jar of honey. I ate a spoonful, then just poured the jar onto a spoon, bit by bit, and licked the spoon clean. After six or eight spoonfuls, I could hear Julie Andrews singing briskly, "Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down!" and, though I knew the cheery singing was only in my mind, I quietly backed away from the spoon and jar. 

In short, I am something of a lunatic. But I am not drinking, and I am getting closer to sending my professor a draft of the project. It won't be perfect, but it doesn't have to be. I will get comments and suggestions, and I can make changes based on those. And I will make it to seventy days without booze! 

Don't get me wrong: It's not that I want to drink here. I really really really really don't. And I won't. I'm just used to using the booze to calm myself when I get worked up, and it's really something to see how uncomfortable I can get without that. I won't drink. I won't go completely barking mad for too much longer. And I will finish the project. So there!

Peace and joy to you all. I'll get back to that later myself, I hope!

9 comments:

  1. I hope you don't mind Thirsty, but I was laughing out loud at your sober antics -- particularly the honey mainlining! Through the tension and lunacy, I read an underlying thread of calm and confidence that will get your thesis draft to the right place, and you onwards and upwards in your sober commitment. GO YOU. XX

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    1. Thanks, Sue. It's OK to laugh. I'm laughing at me, too. It is funny! People--we're all lovely and amusing, no? And yes, I will get through it. Thanks for the moral support! xo

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  2. Hi, TS

    As was the case with Sue, I have to admit to having had a good laugh at your "measured and calculated crisis management techniques" (Sorry! .... but honesty is king here, right? ;o) ) I think I might adopt some of your measures myself, although knitting's definitely not my strong point. I could definitely do the mainlining honey, though. That sounds significantly more pleasurable than it ought to!

    Needless to say, I wish you calm and success as you complete this phase (the thesis, draft first) and, of course, I wish you no luck whatsoever in reaching Day 70 ..... (That's not true, of course..... but you look/sound really, really "on song" where the "booze-independence" is concerned and luck doesn't seem to have much of a part to play in that for you right now :o)

    ..... so we'll BOTH see our Day 70 this week! :o) Me, as usual, 2 days behind you (I can't seem to find a way of catching up those two wretched days, dammit!.... not fair!).... and we'll BOTH do so without the need of luck....

    I enjoy your writing and, in other circumstances, I'd be really interested to know more about your academic pursuits and even to see the writing you've done on your chosen subject but, clearly, that's not possible .... On the other side of the coin, I spent 2007 to 2010 writing a novel and I'd love to share that with some of the people who've said they enjoy my writing but, again, the necessary anonymity forbids :o( Ho hum.... One day, perhaps!

    Anyhoo, have a splendid day and week. Huge posivibes coming at you from way over here for the completion of your work and I'll be as pleased for your 70 as I will for mine :o)

    G x

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    1. Thanks, Gray. As I said to Sue, laugh away, I'm with you on that one! The honey is pretty tasty stuff, but a teaspoon or two might be enough. Good on you for your own almost 70 days. You're right, that part's not down to luck at all. I'm interested in this conversation about writing, but had better get back to my own for now. To be continued... In the meantime, onwards! xo

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  3. Oh boy… I was a stressed out WRECK at many stages in my thesis writing process (is it an MA or PhD?) smoking cigarettes out in the garage and drinking Red Bull like a freak. Fark it is very very stressful. So be stressed! Mainline honey! Bounce around like crazy! Do whatever you need to do to get through except think about stupid bloody alcohol. It doesn't have the power to make anything about your current situation better. Now go meet that deadline yeeee haaaaa!!!!!!

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    1. Mrs D, I remember reading about your thesis stress. Thanks for reminding me! Mine is an honours thesis, which in Canada/US is a kind of mini-masters thesis you have to do as an undergrad for entry into some graduate programs. And yes, the freaking stress!!! But it is actually a fun project too, and I'm lucky to be doing it. And like you say, I DO NOT have to give away my power! Not to booze or anything else! Nope. Not me. OK, thanks for the pep talk, back to it! xo

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  4. HAPPY DAY 70, TS!!!!!!!!!!!
    G x

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    1. Thanks, Gray. 72 and counting today! I am less tense by now, but still end-of-term crazy busy. Is it 70 for you today? Hope you're well! xo

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  5. I'm sooo late on this - but congrats on the 70 days! Well done you!! And hope you got that draft in you can have a well deserved chill out this weekend :) xxx

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