Wednesday 16 April 2014

Round 2, day 100: Facing the longing, thinking about numbers

So many numbers today: 100! 200! 1001.06! 48!

It's been 100 days on this second round of not drinking alcohol. (200, if you add this round to my first 100-day round of not drinking, which I count because it's all me walking the same road.) And I did what I set out to so, putting $10/day into a separate I-didn't-drink account, so that now has $1001.06. And it's my birthday: I'm 48 years old today.

That's a whole lot of numbers. They matter, but they don't begin to count or measure everything that matters. When I quit drinking last summer, I didn't plan for it to be forever, and I fell into the 100 day challenge, but somehow I expected something special would happen once 100 days came and went, and then all the problems of this cursed drinking thing would be resolved. Of course, that didn't happen. The challenge is great, but 100 is just a nice round number. I think that, last fall, in expecting some big change, I unthinkingly nurtured the seeds of being irritated with the whole sober gig. This time, I think I know better. So I'm pleased with this 100 day accomplishment, but there will be hundreds more, and they all matter. Now I think celebrating anniversaries isn't as much focusing on this one day as it is acknowledging all the days. So here's to sober days, every one of them, mine and yours!

I'm also pleased with my new bank account. I decided to keep it going until the summer and then, depending what my income is for the fall, see if I can do one full year. I have vague, distant plans for a longer trip related to school, and a year of daily tenners would be a big help there. Money isn't very important to me, but putting the bit I have to better use, rather than drinking it, seems like a way of underlining that this is a good way to live.

Then there's this birthday: hooray for having been born! I don't do much that looks like big celebrating on my birthday, but I do set aside some time to reflect on life, and I find that celebratory. A year ago, I was diagnosed with pneumonia on my birthday, and I was very concerned that the horse-tranquilizer antibiotics I had to take might interact badly with alcohol. (In case anyone is wondering: yes they did.) This year, I'm pleased that I've put so much effort into dealing with this drink problem: admitting the problem, quitting drinking, accepting that it's an addiction. The acceptance part has been the biggest struggle, but I've made my peace with it. Yes, this is addiction, and no, addiction does not play nicely with moderation. Lesson learned. This coming year, I won't drink, and that feels like an enormous gift to myself.

Beyond just not drinking, I am making a commitment to face this giant longing that consumes me sometimes, the gaping hole behind my addiction. It's getting better, except when it isn't, if you know what I mean. The past couple of weeks have been harder, and I know that's partly because I was too busy for a few weeks, and I set aside the deep caring routines I've put in place over this rough winter. I need to keep doing all that work to support myself as I go along here. For me, it's not going to be enough to just not drink. I need to learn to sit with that enormous, deeply uncomfortable longing, and look into it with an equally enormous love. I know sometimes, like this week, I have a post-stress hangover reads as, "Give me wine! Give me sugar! Give me something goddammit but get me out of here now!!!" When I finally get a break, the break looks suspiciously like The Void. It's scary as hell and I want out of it. This year, I promise myself to sit with that discomfort and the gaping hole behind it. I know I have a hunger I can only feed with love and acceptance, and all those things I think I crave are just pacifiers that don't really get to the heart of anything at all. This coming year, I'm putting my energies into this. Accepting the hunger, and feeling the love.

OK, that's all pretty serious for a celebratory day. But I'm celebrating, too. I slept in and ate a delicious slow breakfast. (Potato, mushroom and chard with garlic, hot peppers and shallots, cooked in cream with poached eggs on top, a dollop of creme fraiche, and some free range bacon on the side. I really do love good food!). I'm enjoying taking my time, reading, writing, and thinking, with a run thrown in just because it's raining and I love running in the rain. Later I'm meeting my partner and a good friend for dinner and a movie. It all feels pretty darn good. A happy birthday indeed.

Thanks as always for reading. Your company along the way is such a huge support to me, and I'm grateful for that. Wishing you peace and joy, and much love in your lives.

14 comments:

  1. Wow that meal! I really like that description of a 'giant hole of longing' .. I think you are getting to the root of us humans' very issue with our existence.. this brain of ours that works so hard and overtime and drives us into these places of addiction and obsession and longing and worry and angst.. it's our lifes work to figure out how to live with these busy brains of ours and not self destruct ourselves trying to fill or avoid or blur out that longing. It's hard.. some days are better than others.. but it's very hard to just 'be' sometimes. Great post and congrats on 100 days! xxx

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    1. Thanks, Mrs D. Sometimes I worry I won't make sense to anyone, so it's sure great that you get what I'm saying here. Thanks for your congrats and good wishes, and as always for your ongoing support. I hope you're having a great weekend! xo

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  2. I am just tickled right now. In finding out we share birthdays, I of course had to come over and read your blog. And you're an awesome writer to boot! YES! I've added you to my reader :) I agree with Mrs D. YUM about that meal. Can I come over next year for birthday breakfast? And perhaps a run in the rain? Super fun. Anyhow, thank you for sharing all of this. What you're talking about, that void, is something I have been running away from forever. Ugh for uncomfort. I hope that we both can find peace in this. And if you're a star gazer at all, you know the stars are aligning for us to leave all that icky crap behind in the next few weeks. Even if you're not into astrology, this is a great time to practice self care and getting in touch with your wounded self. BIG hugs and happy 100 days (round 2) as well!

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    1. Hi Rebecca. Isn't the shared birthday thing grand! And yes, I would make my magic breakfast for you, and Mrs D too and all my lovely online sober friends! Thanks for your kind words. It's a relief to know that this void is familiar to people. I do think comfort is overrated, in that it wouldn't count as comfort if it were always around. The discomfort is tricky, but I think peace and comfort are not the same, and I'm planning to do some serious reading and thinking around that. I'll keep you posted! I hope you're having a great birthday month (I love that!) and you're doing well taking care of yourself too. Nice to officially "meet" you! xo

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  3. Ha! Happy Birthday!! Mine is Monday the 21st- we are April together! :)

    I am right there with you, here at the edge of the gaping hole. It's scary to face, but even scarier if we turn our backs. And you're right about the hundred days- it's a huge milestone, but it also just marks the beginning of real life get down sobriety. Which is not always fun. Or funny. But at least I'm not ashamed of myself. So there's that. :)

    Thank you for writing. It's a pleasure to read. xoxoxo

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    1. Amy, we can share the birthday week. What's a five day spread when you're celebrating! In fact, we're half-way night now, so I will raise a coffee toast to you in a few minutes. I'm glad you agree about milestones. I'm doing well but I can't pretend to be "OK now" or anything so silly. But life is grand, even if it's not always fun, right? Thanks for reading and chatting. I'm in such fine company here! xo

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  4. Happy birthday and congrats on 100 days! (and sorry for being a day late on that...) What a lovely way to think of anniversaries, as celebrations of all the days. A lovely thoughtful post... the paragraph where you talk about the "giant longing that consumes me" echoes a lot of my own feelings, feelings that I find it hard to articulate. May the next 100 days go well for you - and enjoy your special bank account at the end of them! Best wishes. xxx

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    1. Hi MTM. Not late, no worries, it's lovely to hear from you. I'm glad you get what I'm saying here, too. That longing. It's scary, right. But I think it's kind of the human equivalent of what makes the sunflowers turn and face the sun. We just have choices, and we can pick the wrong thing to follow sometimes. OK, that's convoluted, but maybe you know what I mean. I'll think it through better and maybe try to write about it. But not today. Today I go to work. Thanks for your good wishes and fine company! xo

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  5. Happy happy Birthday Thirsty. Happy happy 100 days... and happy happy breakfast menu. Wow, that sounded amazing. Next time I'm over that way we will definitely go and find the magnolia tree at UBC. I lived in that gorgeous city for 15 years, until 2004. And within the next year I'll be calling myself Canadian again... we're headed back, but this time for Nova Scotia! Life's a big adventure for sure. XX

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    1. Thanks, Sue! Oh yes, wouldn't a visit be lovely!!! Enjoy your travels when they come. Vancouver is beautiful, but I really love the hard beauty of Canada's East Coast. Those steep cliffs and crashing waves! Thanks for your kind words and good wishes! xo

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  6. what a great way to think of a birthday or anniversary - as celebrating all the days of it! you are right, thinking of a sober milestone as a finishing tape lets ourselves down. I am cheering you for each and eery one of your Round 2 100 days, and your previous Round 1 100 days! and for every day before that that got you to this point. and for the sober days to come.

    that breakfast sounds awesome :) glad you had a happy, reflective birthday with great food, run, partner and friends! peace, joy, and love, indeed! Primrose xx

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    1. Hi Primrose. Yes, I like thinking of it that way, I used to have a hard time with some special occasions, and coming to think about them this way makes more sense to me. Awesome breakfasts are my specialty! This morning it's poaches eggs on beet and chorizo, with creme fraiche again because every morning is made better with cream on a spoon! Take care and thanks for your kind words. xo

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  7. Just put a photo up on my last post so you can see what a onesie is.. I thought everyone knew what a onesie was! xxx

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